Adrian: For what we're working on with this speech, the previous one is actually better. In this version you get further away from specific details and seem less wow-ed by Washington DC. In the earlier version, the are more moments when you speak with passion and focus. That's what you're aiming for: a tight, two minutes of passion and focus. When you're not this way, you tend to wander a bit, as if you're not sure what you want to say. I urge you to take another look at the earlier version and try revising from there.
Adrian: For what we're working on with this speech, the previous one is actually better. In this version you get further away from specific details and seem less wow-ed by Washington DC. In the earlier version, the are more moments when you speak with passion and focus. That's what you're aiming for: a tight, two minutes of passion and focus. When you're not this way, you tend to wander a bit, as if you're not sure what you want to say. I urge you to take another look at the earlier version and try revising from there.
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